5.14.20

      I'm happy to report that it has been confirmed by the meme and twitter community en masse that the question 'Where are you from?' and its variants, in the context of a random dm conversation, is generally not asked out of actual curiosity but as a starter for a very specific type of conversation. I get a kick out of talking all fancy like that, but yeah, I found a meme that implied that someone asking 'where ya from' was their way of opening up a kind of flirting exchange. That sounds so clinical... anyway, yes. I've had a fair share of random dudes (one guy in particular was really too old, in my opinion, to be using Instagram for what he was trying to use it for) hit me up out of the blue, and they've all gotten around to asking that question. I'm not in any position to judge pick-up lines, but if I may, that just strikes me as lazy. Or maybe not, maybe it's just generic? That must be it- I think there are other more earnest ways to open up a discussion. Then again if you're not in it for the person necessarily but aren't at the point where you can justify asking directly for a hookup, maybe some generic conversation is just what you need to smooth out your self-image... I don't know.

       I wonder if I should be making a more active effort to actually have one of those conversations? Not in search of a hookup or anything close, that'd be in violation of an order, but one of the 'flirty-get-to-know-you' conversations... I wonder if I'd magically unlock some hidden reserve of every-day confidence if I was able to talk to a person in that context. But it's not like it'd be a one-off type deal; at some point, unless they're somehow not looking for anything sexual either, I'd have to draw the line, and telling someone who came into a situation expecting a certain outcome, and had the societal standard to back that expectation, that you'd rather banter over text than actually meet up at a motel somewhere feels like a recipe for disaster. Of course by disaster I mean being accused of leading someone on or of being a tease, and in the grand scheme of things, who cares what some random guy calls me? but then, is that fair? If a guy I do not know direct messages me saying 'hey' or asking where I'm from, I assume he's looking for some kind of rendezvous or some kind of entertainment, neither of which I plan on offering, and I may be wrong to assume that, but I don't think I am. So, with that, would it be fair for me to message some random guy with 'hey' or to ask him where he's from knowing he likely expects me to be looking for the same things I would assume if the situation were reversed? The societal standard is, when you get a random dm, they want nudes or sex, so would it be fair to message someone and not  be looking for those things? to just want to talk? Even if it isn't exactly unfair, I feel like there'd be some considerable backlash.

       And why do I even think I need to have one of these talks? what do I think I could gain from it, other than some crisis of conscience? Is it safe or accurate to believe that everything I will need social development-wise I will get through God? He says, "But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown in the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?...For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6 v 30, 32-33 ESV) concerning clothes and food and drink... things we need... so is social development something I need? It's not good for man to be alone, He says that too, and He provides His people with a like-minded community... so maybe it's not a need as I understand it, but something that's essential for quality of life and something that's provided for either way. It's all very interesting... okay, so follow-up question: is it wrong for me to message a guy then? I mean a random guy... and I guess I don't mean truly random, I'd be choosing based on looks, and that definitely makes the whole thing feel a lot shadier. And I'd be doing it out of a fear that if I didn't I'd miss "the one" (which is such a whacked out concept anyway, and not one I believe in my head (my heart's a different thing)), and I shouldn't run at other people out of fear. God's got me. Every friend I have now, every true friend, I met incidentally, just along the way to go do whatever it was I was gonna do anyway, and the experiences and memories I have with them aren't artificial, they're not things I could find by trolling profile pics on Instagram, I couldn't have manufactured them if I'd been trying to. They're real. I want more of that, I want deeper incidental friendships, and if along the way I get the chance to have that fun banter with some guy, all the better. At least if it were to come about from hanging around good friends, there probably wouldn't be the expectation for anything more than conversation.

       So it'll probably be a no to the random dm-ing... I just miss my friends. 

       But- we'll be back in the fall!! There'll be some roughly enforced policies about wearing masks in class and staying away from people, but we'll be back! I gotta make it three months. God'll carry me through it, it's gonna be okay. I can't wait to see everyone again! And I'm gonna start just talking to everyone casually, even if I find them distracting... that'll be easier the warmer and friendlier I am by default, so when I talk to someone I want to be warm and friendly with, I won't get hemmed up worrying if I'm acting noticeably different than normal... worrying less about what other people may be think in general will be good... I need to embrace my inner 8 (if you know the enneagram- if not, it's a suped up personality test, and 8s tend to be very direct, decisive type people... of course there's a whole other batch of personal problems to deal with there, but)... she's in there, we just don't talk much. Cramps have been kicking me around today, and I've found it a lot easier to just say what I'm gonna go do and what I want with them acting up like this, maybe something to do with pain fatigue. It's been pretty nice, not letting as much anxious overthinking in every time I need to make a decision or talk to someone in the house.
       I definitely started this as a kind of online journal, not for an audience, without plans to market it or post the url all over and get the views up or whatever, and that's still true... I catch myself making provisions for some audience I assume is there, like explaining what the enneagram is. And a part of me definitely does want this found and celebrated, but that's my pride, and she really doesn't need to make any decisions. If my goal is ever fame or recognition or anything like those, I pray they are not given to me. I pray nothing I ever do for my own glory is successful, including this. Plus, it's not like it'd be exactly anonymous- if this got as big as I fantasize it getting, and if it got around to anyone I know, it would take about two seconds for them to recognize me- either by the username or the writing. So this would turn into a wierd confession feed with all the wonky complications that come along with something like that.
       I also don't edit this enough to proudly present it to any group of people I care about, and I kinda wanna keep it that way, less pressure.
       So, if you read these, I won't say I don't care, because I do, but know that, as much as I can manage, I'm not writing these for you. 

5.8.20

       I've been feeling particularly joyous today, if not overly bubbly... I've been reading C.S. Lewis's The Four Loves (it's amazing, even if he and I butt heads on a couple of things), and I started the chapter on Charity (his chapter on God's Grace being the ultimate love), and have felt increasingly aware of this joy and relief that I think came with a clearer understanding that I don't have to feel close to God for Him to be close to me, for His grace to cover me. I feel more relaxed, generally less concerned about being enough of the right thing, more able to trust that He means what He says when He says He loves me and He's got me.
       It's honestly such a maddening thing to worry about, the being enough, because the more I think about it, the more critical I am of my performance, the more I see that there is an aggressive amount of stuff wrong with me; and not just with me, but in me. I am inherently jacked up, whether the clinical roots of the problems are in my childhood or high school or my own choices
 -- and regardless of the source, it's still my mess, and, yes, injustices have been committed against me, things have been said and done that I am not responsible for, that should not have been said and done, but I am starting to understand that whether I asked for it or not, the bags my family and friends and I have packed for me are mine now. I can leave them unclaimed and spend all my time hating and resenting the people who packed them, or I can pick them up, open them up, and start sorting them out. I'm still avoiding a lot of them, but I'm seeing more and more that that's not a sustainable approach --
and no amount of overthinking can change that or fix that or work around to some kind of solution, even if I convince myself that this time I can pull it off. That's been what I've been a little stuck on lately, trying to be just right. But, today, I was reading after breakfast and started to feel more and more relieved: I have literally no idea what's going to happen anytime soon, I'm sure my heart will have been broken by a dozen things by this time next week, I'm sure I'll inadvertently or very intentionally hurt my friends and family, I'm sure I won't live up to my own expectations, much less my Lord's commands, and I'm sure there's nothing I can do about the inevitability of all of it, but I'm also sure that my Lord knows that. He expects more failures and screw-ups from me than I could ever expect from myself, and He has decided to love me through it.
       I am lovely because He loves me. I love Him because He loved me first- I didn't hold it over His head, I didn't say, "I'll love You, but first, You need to love me," I didn't force His hand somehow, He chose to love me when I was vile.
       I feel like I'm dancing on the edge of some concepts and theology that I'm not academically qualified to talk about, so I'll end with this: I am completely responsible for my actions and at the same time I could never act in the way God tells me to; knowing this, God, loving, just, and true, has extended His inexhaustible grace to me. Because of that I can relax, and this pretty undercurrent of joy I'm hearing in my heart can carry on.