11.26.20

        So Beyonce's song Partition was really disappointing... I get I'm a long time late actually listening to it, but I don't know why I thought it would be a female anthem or something, I guess I just thought that was Beyonce's thing... but who's to say she's gotta stay in a box with the music she makes? still, not what I thought it would be. If I were in the backseat of a limo (or whatever vehicle has a partition the driver can put up- it's Beyonce, I'm assuming it's a limo) with a guy who was so crazy about how I looked that we did damage to clothing and were sure we weren't gonna actually make it to the club, I would want to be more than just the girl he liked. Call me sappy or anti-feminist or conservative or whatever, but I would rather have the man locked down if we're gonna get that wild in the back of a car. My head's here: say we did right? say we went off and did whatever behind the partition, but then we don't stay together- what am I supposed to do with the memories? cuz I'd bet money in that moment he seemed like the model of dedication and loyalty, he probably even thought he loved me or would at least be willing to say so and I'd be willing to believe him, but then what about after? when it's very clear there wasn't any long-lived loyalty, no real love? am I just supposed to brush that off? We have sex in the back of a car- quite vulnerable if you ask me, kind of a joint risk that would be more embarrassing for me than him if we were caught, a situation where he leaves with something of mine, some central piece of dignity- then I'm just supposed to walk away, content to never see or speak to you again? It's a no for me, dawg. 

       But that's a rabbit hole... I've had a lot of thoughts about a lot of things today... I think about dating a lot- should I try harder? what does that even mean? Do I join a dating site? That feels kind of desperate... do I just be more direct? make more eye contact with people? That feels aggressive, which it definitely isn't and seems to work pretty well for people... I just flinch away from eye contact- it scares me. I wonder why? Fear of being seen maybe? fear of watching someone see me? all boiling down to a general lack of contentedness with myself... or maybe a lack of contentedness with how I think other people see me? does that even matter? And maybe I could dress more feminine on purpose? Maybe own that I am in fact a woman, that it is actually a good thing to feel feminine, maybe lean into that... when I dress in any way that's a little girly I feel flashy, self-conscious, like I'm drawing attention. And drawing attention to myself feels like a mortal sin (and there we get a little window into why I generally don't like overly-expressive gestures- that generally is important) even though it's not. So maybe lean into my style a little more and make more eye contact, but then what for? Is the goal just for some guy to notice me and say 'Ooh, I like that one,' and we call it a win? Cuz on a level that sounds nice, but then I understand that I do in fact have value as a human being without a man next to me and knowing that makes me throw up in my mouth a little at the thought of making personal changes just so a guy might look at me differently. And let's talk about how much work a relationship even is- how much work people are- bro, we are so messy. Getting to know someone is a risk every step of the way- at least that's how I feel rn- I literally will never have enough information on a person to be able to say for absolute certain that they're safe to trust. I have/had a friend I thought I understood then they hauled off and flashed this other side of themselves that deals with problems in a mean, passive aggressive way that I find very off-putting- how do I trust them after that? after having seen how they are when the rubber meets the road? Maybe the person I thought I knew before is still real, and maybe the passive aggressive person is, too, maybe they're both, or maybe both are them, I don't know. I've just been feeling generally disenchanted with people, with the concept of getting to know them, of letting them get to know me, and then to think that I want a relationship, where I have to try to trust a guy to be good to me and where I have to trust myself to do right by him, all while getting to know him and (transactionally?) letting him get to know me? Literally terrifying- any moment, I could learn something about him that turns out to be a deal breaker, and until then I'm giving him information about me knowing he may not be a safe person to hand it to, trying to withhold as much as possible until better understand whether it's safe to move forward. That sounds exhausting, and not at all sane or right. I think dating can be more casual than I'm wont to make it... I just fall so fast, I want each good-looking guy with a halfway decent personality to be the perfect guy (to the point where I project who I'd like him to be onto him in my head until the illusion breaks under the inevitable weight of reality and leaves me a little shattered. that was kinda deep, bro whoa). So casual is hard for me, but that shouldn't be an excuse. So we're up to, maybe, lean into my style, make more eye contact on purpose, and be more casual with dating (as that hypothetically occurs) and with opposite sex interaction in general.

       Let's also talk about something that frustrated me today. So today was Thanksgiving, right? I'm home with my mom and dad and my brother. My mom and I were up early-ish this morning, her at 730 me at 830, and we made all the thanksgiving stuff (slight aside: I feel legitimately sick to my stomach when I think about all the food we're able to have without a second thought- there are people in dire need of food everyday and there are families that can't afford to make a ridiculous thanksgiving spread, they have to trade this hallmarked extravagance that I take for granted for basic staples of survival, and that kills me. I feel like I don't have a right to say it kills me if I'm not actively fighting tooth and nail to change it, which I'm not, but I still hate it and I still wish it were different.) and finished up at about 1230 or 1. At this point, neither of the guys had gotten out of bed... fine, ya know, whatever. Me and Mom sit down to eat and have lunch just the two of us- which was really nice in its own way, ya know, less energy flying around, more one-on-one conversations, I'm always down for quality time- but I felt kinda sad about it. We watched a movie and went for a walk and came back and played a card game and started processing the day together and realized we were both pretty sad and kinda ticked at how it had gone down. At this point we still hadn't seen the guys... Dad was asleep- and he works hard, I get it, sleep as you can, but..... bro, this is was the last day I was gonna get to sit down and talk with him or play dominoes or even just watch something funny and he wouldn't get out of bed at all? And my brother stays in his room most of the time, Xbox chatting with friends or on his phone, and again those are fine things but like... I'm not here a lot? and I don't get to see him or hang out with him much? and he couldn't even come downstairs? It's pretty frustrating. That's actually watering it down, I'm really very mad about it. Me and Mom decided next time we'll over-communicate what we want to have happen, i.e. we'll be very clear that we would really like everyone to come to the table for lunch/dinner and kind of plan an intentional group time... and that's great, and very effective boundary-wise, but should I have to say, formally, that I want to spend time with my Dad on one of my four days here? Maybe I guess... should I have to always go find him though? Cuz that feels definitively one-sided. It would be cool if he would just say, ' I really want to hang out with you, let's find a time.' Like is it indicative at all that that makes me cry a little? I understand I'm not a bother to him, but I don't want to always be the one asking for attention, I want to know that he will actively make an effort to hang out with me if he notices we haven't in a while or if this is the last day we can. That doesn't seem like an unrealistic expectation, or like something I should even have to clarify, that just seems like something he should want to do. But he'll say he doesn't want to interrupt my time with Mom or my time with my brother- but it's not interrupting to poke your head into a room and say let's hang out later. And since when is it a crime for us to all hang out together? Again, I feel very angry about it, kind of cheated. And- not to go Freudian (if that's what this would be)- but maybe that's why I want a guy to want me, to show me that he's interested in me, that he's willing to make me a priority- I'm crying again- and that he's willing to make time for me on the regular, not just on random special occasions. I want a dude to do what he says he's gonna do: if he says he's gonna make himself more available to me and make sure we hang out more, I think it would be the sweetest thing in the world if he actually did that (, Dad). Hate that. And my brother will likely guilt trip me on the way out saying I didn't do anything with him while I was here; no, I didn't do much, and that's on me, but he also didn't come find me or anything (he's 16, I don't think I'm being too hard on him to expect him to make some effort). We can all do better... maybe I need to talk to them, tell them both that if they want to hang out with me they need to make it a priority, that I don't want to always be the one to come knocking. Why doesn't Dad come downstairs when I come home? Why do I have to go upstairs to say hi? I could get home after not seeing everyone for a while, sit in the kitchen for five-ever catching up with Mom but still have to go upstairs to talk to Dad- what the heck, Richard? And it's so hard for me to stay mad at him- which is ridiculous- it's like I have an emotional blind spot where it takes a while for me to actually feel mad at him, and then it takes a lot for me to carry that angry through long enough to do it justice in a conversation. What's that about? Women and their dads? I don't know, but I think it's dumb, and it sucks, and I wish I could have spent thanksgiving with my whole family. Also, not to completely knock him, because he's great, hardest working person I know, I can talk to him about any kind of crazy thing, but my dad is not the most affectionate person? and that has kind of stung more and more lately. The hugs have gotten longer I think, which is nice, but it would be super cool if he'd just hold me... that's a thing I'd probably have to ask for, and that feels really embarrassing, so probably a big (developmental?) step... I don't know, man, I just want a guy to hold me. If that makes you sad for me, no it doesn't. I'm not great at asking for things- help, advice, affection, support, you know, basic stuff- and I've been noticing it more and more... it feels inappropriate to ask, or selfish, just generally out of line, like who am I that I should ask for a hug? Bro, what if they don't wanna give me a hug? What if I go to hug them and I make them uncomfortable? Basically what if I'm not wanted by people I care about? I'm sure that's not true, but that comes back to the trust thing- do I trust them when they say they care? Do I believe them? Do I trust that there's grace enough from them for me to be awkward without them running away? Do I believe them when they say they want to know me? 

       Lots of heavy. Valid heavy, but heavy nonetheless. I've told y'all, this is basically a journal for when I would rather type than physically write, so I have no plans to apologize for what I say and feel here, or for how it may make someone else feel.

       Either way, regardless of what the feelings say, God is great all the time, and all the time God is great. Jesus and therapy for the heckin' win.

       Party on party people, we'll talk later.

11.5.20

 I haven't posted on here in a while... I think this has been chilling in the back of my head kind of like a journal does: it's here for when I need to vent in a big way without being vulnerable in any kind of way. I haven't really tried to stay anonymous or anything- if anyone who knows me/knows of me read this or saw it, they would know I wrote it, and I guess I'm fine with that, even though this isn't stuff I would necessarily like to tell anyone... I don't know, this is easier/feels safer than texting someone and saying, "Hey I'm feeling whatever right now, help," even though that's definitely what I've been told and what I've found is most helpful. Is there even a point in going off on here if I know this isn't the most effective way I could deal with how I feel? The inner critic is just supposed to be an enneagram 1 thing, but I promise I have one, too... I did get a really high 1 the time I took the official test... not that I have to justify the way I am and how I think with some score, but I like myself to fit the formulas I've built for others in my head... ugh.

I guess I'm on here now because I feel insanely and yet vaguely overwhelmed... maybe it's the semester, or the whole 2020 disaster, or the fact that break is coming up and I don't know how to hold that excitement and despair in my head at the same time, or maybe it's something else entirely and I'm just blind to it. Either way, I've felt super unmotivated to do anything all day today, really all week, which isn't as problematic as it would be if I had more going on- this week's been eerily chill as far as work load and deadlines are concerned- but a group of us got together for prayer and dinner tonight, which is always great, and still was tonight, but during about the last fifteen minutes we were hanging out, I started to feel this tight-in-the-chest feeling, like you feel when someone scares you or when you're really nervous or whatever, and I started feeling really on edge... I walked back to my apartment both super aware of everything and everyone and also kind of zoning out at the same time- I don't think that's happened to me before? At least not while I've been out... I've had what are- apparently- technically called panic attacks before, like I get super short of breath and feel super scared for a good while right after something specific happens, those I've had two, maybe three times, but again, then there was a clear reason why. With this on-edgedness crap there wasn't a trigger, there wasn't a certain reason, it felt like it just started happening. And the whole time I was walking back to the apartment, I kept telling myself to stop being dramatic, to pull it together, that I was fine, that I was not doing this right now, all that super healthy self-talk, because it wasn't outright debilitating, and even if it had been, there was no reason for it so why even feel it? I got back to the room, came in and locked up, and went to walk by the dining room table, and my keys brushed the back of one of the chairs- it sounded to me like a walkie-talkie hand radio thing had given a burst of static somewhere in the room- meaning I thought there was someone else in the room- and I jumped, and I slammed my fist onto the table, and I might've yelled but I don't remember, and it was definitely just me and my keys in the place. I went and sat in my room for a while, put my back against a wall, tried to get physically comfortable, tried to relax, tried to figure out what was going on. I felt more calm after a little bit and it's been a few hours since then, but as I've been sitting back at the table doing homework and stuff, I've felt waves of near-panic and whatever the feeling is where you want to throw everything away and pack a bag and walk away and cry all at the same time, and I don't know if those are characteristic of an on-going anxiety attack or if they're just a sign that it's the end of the week and I need a break. Apparently anxiety attacks can go on for hours to days, and you don't have to be having some massive meotional breakdown the whole time, you can just have an on-going sense of dread... in which case I think I've been in an anxiety storm for like a month now. It also really didn't help that I checked instagram and got confirmation- more or less- that a couple of my friends are in the early stages of getting together. They're my friends, I should be happy for them both and I am that, but I am also so sick of getting my hopes up. I do a thing where I fixate on people- something the podcast No Small Thing told me is not in fact a sign that I'm crazy but is just an idiosyncrasy characteristic of folks with the one-to-one enneagram instinct variant (that's not an endorsement or a plug or whatever, that's just my little way of saying how relieved I was to hear that other people do the same ting I do, at least we're maniacs of a feather, that makes it better). But yes, fixating- I do a thing where I fixate on a person, and once I'm locked onto them, they're just on my radar: I'm always aware of where they are in a room when they're around, I'm always aware of when they're gone; I try and pick up on as much information about them as I can, whether through conversations about them, or by hearing others mention them or their associations in passing, or sometimes even conversations with them; I usually don't interact directly with them though, as my way of overcompensating for knowing how much room they're taking up in my head, and because- without sounding pitiful or self-deprecating- I'm sure the interest is not mutual and it would literally be my nightmare to annoy them or bother them or freak them out; the whole goal is for them and anyone else to never find out that they're on my radar, and to make sure that happens, I've noticed I tend to act very indifferently toward them, maybe coming across as publicly ignoring them? I don't know. And this whole thing, upon reading it back, sounds like a textbook confession to a stalking charge, but let me be very clear: I do not invade personal privacy with this, I do not bother these people who I basically adopt as research hobbies- no one knows. Which, again, sounds creepy, but it's more harmful to me than anyone else because no one- especially whoever I get stuck on- knows. So, all that to say, one of these folks appears to be working toward a relationship, which is great- God knows we're all lonely, and, not that dating someone could ever fix loneliness, it definitely won't hurt- but it's also incredibly painful, and also incredibly humiliating, if only to myself, because I- again- got stuck on someone who didn't notice (even though I made every effort to ensure they didn't notice... there is nothing self-fulfilling about this cycle, what ever do you mean).

But, yes. That felt like one more thing to shove down and deal with later, but, like I've been telling people, I think wherever I've been shoving all this stuff that I plan to "deal with later" is running out of room, because crap keeps spilling out, but it's so twisted and misshapen from being crammed in a vault for so long that once it's out I don't even recognize what it's supposed to be, I just feel all the feelings that made me want to get rid of it in the first place. How am I supposed to handle that? Do I just cry now? Pay my debt to myself and cry about all the things as they come up and try not to shove anything else away in the meantime? I think that would require me reestablishing myself with everyone I know as a person who cries a lot a lot of the time... that wouldn't necessarily be unhealthy, but it might be annoying, if not to them then to me. I wish there was some gauge, some way to tell how long I would need to spend processing whatever I've been suppressing so I could just set aside that time and approach the whole process as just another thing to get done, as something with a clear start and end date with a clear end result... I don't think I'm built like that, though, with a panel somewhere that has a constant readout of mental health statistics for me to analyze... where's the Lord in all this? I haven't really mentioned Him this whole time, and He's everything, so how could I not... that's not meant to be shaming, not to sound like the post wouldn't have been valid if I didn't explicitly mention God, I just want to see where He is in all of this, that'll make it easier for me... not to mention, however He sees this is how it Really is, so why not try to figure that out? So where's He in this... He's my home. There are songs and books and movies that talk about that person you're supposed to find at some point being your home, 'home is wherever they are', 'it's no home without you', all that... I get the feelings behind that (not from experience, but in theory- which should literally be the story of my life, and which I understand is not the same as understanding- but that's the best I can do), and I don't think some levels of most of them are necessarily wrong, but ultimately making someone else your home is a recipe for disaster; I am not a house, I am a broken person who has literally no idea what's going on ninety-nine percent of the time, there is absolutely no way I could be a home for you, and there's no way anyone else could be a home for me. Do you have any idea what I need? Like all of it? What I would need to fix all the warps and cracks and splinters in my heart and mind and soul? No, you have no clue, and there's no way you ever could. Maybe you could learn a lot about me, maybe we could become great friends, maybe you could help heal some of the cracks, but there is no way you could ever heal or fix me to the extend that I need healing or fixing, and there is no way I could do that for you, so, there is no way I could be your home or you could be mine. God however. God is willing and able to do all of that and more- He is our home, He is where we go for healing, and more importantly in the context of this post, for understanding. He is the only one who does and who ever will completely understand me; that's ultimately what I'm looking for in these human hobbies I get hooked on- I want my intense interest in everything about someone to result in them noticing that interest, truly appreciating it, and reciprocating it by wanting to learn and know everything about me; I'm looking for someone here on earth to know me as only God does and as only God can. That's why it keeps hurting so much every time I get my hopes up only to have to drop them back down, because every time I'm having to pull my heart away from a god I've adopted, I'm having to stand back up after my legs have fallen asleep because of how long I've been kneeling before an idol... so that's where God is, He's who I'm looking for. The tricky part about applying that answer is that He isn't physically here, there's not a guy I can keep an eye out for every time I'm out... of course the rebuttal there is I can look for God in everything, all of creation testifies to His existence, His mark is on everything... but that's just evidence, I know He's real, now I want to hug Him. And for that, I can't just go hug a tree. The answer to this specific problem is that He is who I'm always looking for when I get fixated on people, that tendency is a warped version of the devotion He put in me that is meant to be given back to Him, but then what do I do about this quasi-need for physical connection with people? This wierd thing where I really just want a guy to hold me- nothing sexual about it, nothing extra- just a guy I care about to hug me and hold me, what's up with that? Maybe it's not a quasi thing, maybe that's a genuine need we have, somewhere high up there in the hierarchy, but say it's totally legit- where's God about that? He gives us His people, we have His church for support and fellowship and encouragement... so somewhere within that community, I guess the answer is that I need to find a guy to hug me and hold me. Which, after typing it out, feels absolutely ridiculous and like something I want literally no one I know to ever read. I really don't know what that solution looks like in my particular day-to-day. Right now, it probably means more waiting, as in my soul, my whole being, everything that I am, waits for the Lord. His timing is perfect, and believing that is what it means for me to be patient... prayers for that. 

That's a long caveat about an aspect of what I think I'm feeling... I'm kind of over thinking and writing about all of it, but I think I know that the low-buzz background anxiety I guess I've got going on is something real and something that's going to need my attention soon, if not immediately. And I need to get my community involved in helping me with that. Everybody is feeling panicked and crazy right now though- it's 2020 for one thing, and we're still in the middle of an election for some reason- and I feel like I'd rather wait til a better time comes up where whatever it is I need can be the main thing, or at least won't be taking away from other people's issues- I don't want to be one more person who needs help, ya know? Not right now. But there's never a convenient time to deal with this stuff, or so I've been told. ~~ Either waaaay ~~ that's what I've got to say for now. I wonder how many people have seen this... hmm. Until next time, we be vibin' and leanin' on God til we feel better- deuces people.