I named this blog the way I did to remind me to remain hopeful; I tend toward pessimism that I call realism, and that's not a recipe for a joyful posture.
I'm on lockdown with everyone else, and the weekends are the hardest- I don't have my set work to do and so I usually sleep later than I ought to, calling it self-care- which it can be, but usually isn't- and end up in a kind of foggy, ultra-introspective headspace that makes me sad.
I was in the shower, talking to myself like I do, and I said, "I am too hard on myself." Which is super true, I know it, my friends and family know it, but it wouldn't feel like a huge issue if it was reasonable. I push too far because once I reach the initial goal, I see there's still something to be had beyond it and call myself a loser if I don't go the extra couple, or dozen, or hundred steps to get there. When I don't do the absolute most in the most flawless way, I call myself weak, a failure, a lazy bum who won't amount to anything if I keep this same subpar work ethic up; my own worst critic.
That also wouldn't be a problem if I didn't believe me. I believe a lot of those things about myself, and even though I know better, they have the power over me to define me to myself. Only my Lord is the rightful holder of that power, and I don't always give it to Him.
I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday about identity. I said that I don't know how to apply the Gospel's message on identity to my life. Like we know and hear over and over that Jesus calls us loved and forgiven and redeemed, but what does that look like for me when I feel like my mom is mad at me or when I feel like if I had just said this differently, we could've avoided a fight? What does that look like day-to-day when I'm wrong?
Routinely, I tell myself that being wrong makes me bad. I am not a good person, I am not the right person, enough for everything that's around me, and that makes me bad, I say.
But, enter shower rant:
Tonight on American Idol, on of the ladies who made it to the top 20 was going over her Hollywood Week performance and how Katy Perry was rooting for her; she said that hearing Katy Perry say she 'killed it' during her performance changed the way she saw herself. Me and my argumentative self want to know why that is? Any rando on the street could tell you you did a great job and it wouldn't mean nearly as much or make nearly the impact that it did coming from Katy Perry. Why?
Katy Perry is an expert in her field; she has a wealth of knowledge and experience that give her authority in the art of vocal performance. Her word is validated, supported, fleshed out by who she is.
Now, imagine some guy invents a brand new field in machine technology; he imagines, designs, and builds these machines that do all types of different stuff- everything about these machines, every detail, no matter how small, or mundane, or seemingly insignificant, is put in place with by this creator. He knows each machine- inside, outside, and in the middle- he knows how each one functions, he knows how fast each one goes, he knows which ones have crooked wheels and which ones have crossed wires.
As the creator of the machines, nothing he says of them would be false- not on purpose (he has no reason to lie about what's his), and not on accident (he would only accidentally say something untrue about them if there was something he didn't know or understand about them)- so everything he says about them, no matter what it is, is absolutely unquestioningly, true.
As time goes on in this metaphorical world some of the machines crop up as experts in the field concerning themselves; they start presenting their opinions, about which kinds of machines are best suited for which jobs, about which machines look better than the others, about what the future holds for the machines. And they're experts, they have the credentials that say how many hours they've spent and how many other experts they've talked to to learn all these things about themselves and the machines around them, and the other machines see those creds, and they see the way other machines agree about them, and they say, "How could it not be true?"
But the creds and certificates are actually overkill- the machines don't need a degree to come up with believable opinions about themselves, they just have to be able to think, and once they start in on it, they start believing everything they say about themselves, and if they're honest, they're not kind to themselves, and yet they believe that all the harsh things they beep at themselves are just hard truths, that they really are worthless, broken, damaged and defective machines; and, if they listen just the right way, they'll hear the other machines say the same.
What if though, what if that guy who created the machines, the guy who can't lie about them, the guy who knows every dent, scratch, and loose bolt in every single different machine, what if he had stuff to say to them? If he told a machine it was more valuable than all the gold in the world, that would be true. If he told a machine that he knew about its slow work, and its bad attitude, and the wheel that the other machines stole from it, and if he told a machine that- in spite of all of that- it was a good machine, that would be true.
I was running circles in my head telling myself how much of a mess I am, how I just can't get it right, how if I would just try a little harder, we would do better next time, and I will do it again, but I know that will drive me crazy. Different stuff gets me out of it each time, and this time it was this:
I know God made me. If He made me, then He knows me, He knows about my happiest memories and my favorite music and how I love when the wind is strong enough to scare me; He knows about my addiction, He knows about my dark December, He knows my every thought; He made me, so He knows me. Because He made me, and because He knows me, He can only say true things about me. He says that I am good. He says that I am good- even with my darkness and my anger and my corruption, He says I am good. That means that I am good whether I feel like I am or not; He says that when He looks at me he calls me good and faithful. The words themselves don't change my frame of mind or how I see myself at a point in time, it's who says them to me. Because of who He is- He of all authority, all expertise, all knowledge, all experience about me- He is the only One who can say what is true about me.
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