So Beyonce's song Partition was really disappointing... I get I'm a long time late actually listening to it, but I don't know why I thought it would be a female anthem or something, I guess I just thought that was Beyonce's thing... but who's to say she's gotta stay in a box with the music she makes? still, not what I thought it would be. If I were in the backseat of a limo (or whatever vehicle has a partition the driver can put up- it's Beyonce, I'm assuming it's a limo) with a guy who was so crazy about how I looked that we did damage to clothing and were sure we weren't gonna actually make it to the club, I would want to be more than just the girl he liked. Call me sappy or anti-feminist or conservative or whatever, but I would rather have the man locked down if we're gonna get that wild in the back of a car. My head's here: say we did right? say we went off and did whatever behind the partition, but then we don't stay together- what am I supposed to do with the memories? cuz I'd bet money in that moment he seemed like the model of dedication and loyalty, he probably even thought he loved me or would at least be willing to say so and I'd be willing to believe him, but then what about after? when it's very clear there wasn't any long-lived loyalty, no real love? am I just supposed to brush that off? We have sex in the back of a car- quite vulnerable if you ask me, kind of a joint risk that would be more embarrassing for me than him if we were caught, a situation where he leaves with something of mine, some central piece of dignity- then I'm just supposed to walk away, content to never see or speak to you again? It's a no for me, dawg.
But that's a rabbit hole... I've had a lot of thoughts about a lot of things today... I think about dating a lot- should I try harder? what does that even mean? Do I join a dating site? That feels kind of desperate... do I just be more direct? make more eye contact with people? That feels aggressive, which it definitely isn't and seems to work pretty well for people... I just flinch away from eye contact- it scares me. I wonder why? Fear of being seen maybe? fear of watching someone see me? all boiling down to a general lack of contentedness with myself... or maybe a lack of contentedness with how I think other people see me? does that even matter? And maybe I could dress more feminine on purpose? Maybe own that I am in fact a woman, that it is actually a good thing to feel feminine, maybe lean into that... when I dress in any way that's a little girly I feel flashy, self-conscious, like I'm drawing attention. And drawing attention to myself feels like a mortal sin (and there we get a little window into why I generally don't like overly-expressive gestures- that generally is important) even though it's not. So maybe lean into my style a little more and make more eye contact, but then what for? Is the goal just for some guy to notice me and say 'Ooh, I like that one,' and we call it a win? Cuz on a level that sounds nice, but then I understand that I do in fact have value as a human being without a man next to me and knowing that makes me throw up in my mouth a little at the thought of making personal changes just so a guy might look at me differently. And let's talk about how much work a relationship even is- how much work people are- bro, we are so messy. Getting to know someone is a risk every step of the way- at least that's how I feel rn- I literally will never have enough information on a person to be able to say for absolute certain that they're safe to trust. I have/had a friend I thought I understood then they hauled off and flashed this other side of themselves that deals with problems in a mean, passive aggressive way that I find very off-putting- how do I trust them after that? after having seen how they are when the rubber meets the road? Maybe the person I thought I knew before is still real, and maybe the passive aggressive person is, too, maybe they're both, or maybe both are them, I don't know. I've just been feeling generally disenchanted with people, with the concept of getting to know them, of letting them get to know me, and then to think that I want a relationship, where I have to try to trust a guy to be good to me and where I have to trust myself to do right by him, all while getting to know him and (transactionally?) letting him get to know me? Literally terrifying- any moment, I could learn something about him that turns out to be a deal breaker, and until then I'm giving him information about me knowing he may not be a safe person to hand it to, trying to withhold as much as possible until better understand whether it's safe to move forward. That sounds exhausting, and not at all sane or right. I think dating can be more casual than I'm wont to make it... I just fall so fast, I want each good-looking guy with a halfway decent personality to be the perfect guy (to the point where I project who I'd like him to be onto him in my head until the illusion breaks under the inevitable weight of reality and leaves me a little shattered. that was kinda deep, bro whoa). So casual is hard for me, but that shouldn't be an excuse. So we're up to, maybe, lean into my style, make more eye contact on purpose, and be more casual with dating (as that hypothetically occurs) and with opposite sex interaction in general.
Let's also talk about something that frustrated me today. So today was Thanksgiving, right? I'm home with my mom and dad and my brother. My mom and I were up early-ish this morning, her at 730 me at 830, and we made all the thanksgiving stuff (slight aside: I feel legitimately sick to my stomach when I think about all the food we're able to have without a second thought- there are people in dire need of food everyday and there are families that can't afford to make a ridiculous thanksgiving spread, they have to trade this hallmarked extravagance that I take for granted for basic staples of survival, and that kills me. I feel like I don't have a right to say it kills me if I'm not actively fighting tooth and nail to change it, which I'm not, but I still hate it and I still wish it were different.) and finished up at about 1230 or 1. At this point, neither of the guys had gotten out of bed... fine, ya know, whatever. Me and Mom sit down to eat and have lunch just the two of us- which was really nice in its own way, ya know, less energy flying around, more one-on-one conversations, I'm always down for quality time- but I felt kinda sad about it. We watched a movie and went for a walk and came back and played a card game and started processing the day together and realized we were both pretty sad and kinda ticked at how it had gone down. At this point we still hadn't seen the guys... Dad was asleep- and he works hard, I get it, sleep as you can, but..... bro, this is was the last day I was gonna get to sit down and talk with him or play dominoes or even just watch something funny and he wouldn't get out of bed at all? And my brother stays in his room most of the time, Xbox chatting with friends or on his phone, and again those are fine things but like... I'm not here a lot? and I don't get to see him or hang out with him much? and he couldn't even come downstairs? It's pretty frustrating. That's actually watering it down, I'm really very mad about it. Me and Mom decided next time we'll over-communicate what we want to have happen, i.e. we'll be very clear that we would really like everyone to come to the table for lunch/dinner and kind of plan an intentional group time... and that's great, and very effective boundary-wise, but should I have to say, formally, that I want to spend time with my Dad on one of my four days here? Maybe I guess... should I have to always go find him though? Cuz that feels definitively one-sided. It would be cool if he would just say, ' I really want to hang out with you, let's find a time.' Like is it indicative at all that that makes me cry a little? I understand I'm not a bother to him, but I don't want to always be the one asking for attention, I want to know that he will actively make an effort to hang out with me if he notices we haven't in a while or if this is the last day we can. That doesn't seem like an unrealistic expectation, or like something I should even have to clarify, that just seems like something he should want to do. But he'll say he doesn't want to interrupt my time with Mom or my time with my brother- but it's not interrupting to poke your head into a room and say let's hang out later. And since when is it a crime for us to all hang out together? Again, I feel very angry about it, kind of cheated. And- not to go Freudian (if that's what this would be)- but maybe that's why I want a guy to want me, to show me that he's interested in me, that he's willing to make me a priority- I'm crying again- and that he's willing to make time for me on the regular, not just on random special occasions. I want a dude to do what he says he's gonna do: if he says he's gonna make himself more available to me and make sure we hang out more, I think it would be the sweetest thing in the world if he actually did that (, Dad). Hate that. And my brother will likely guilt trip me on the way out saying I didn't do anything with him while I was here; no, I didn't do much, and that's on me, but he also didn't come find me or anything (he's 16, I don't think I'm being too hard on him to expect him to make some effort). We can all do better... maybe I need to talk to them, tell them both that if they want to hang out with me they need to make it a priority, that I don't want to always be the one to come knocking. Why doesn't Dad come downstairs when I come home? Why do I have to go upstairs to say hi? I could get home after not seeing everyone for a while, sit in the kitchen for five-ever catching up with Mom but still have to go upstairs to talk to Dad- what the heck, Richard? And it's so hard for me to stay mad at him- which is ridiculous- it's like I have an emotional blind spot where it takes a while for me to actually feel mad at him, and then it takes a lot for me to carry that angry through long enough to do it justice in a conversation. What's that about? Women and their dads? I don't know, but I think it's dumb, and it sucks, and I wish I could have spent thanksgiving with my whole family. Also, not to completely knock him, because he's great, hardest working person I know, I can talk to him about any kind of crazy thing, but my dad is not the most affectionate person? and that has kind of stung more and more lately. The hugs have gotten longer I think, which is nice, but it would be super cool if he'd just hold me... that's a thing I'd probably have to ask for, and that feels really embarrassing, so probably a big (developmental?) step... I don't know, man, I just want a guy to hold me. If that makes you sad for me, no it doesn't. I'm not great at asking for things- help, advice, affection, support, you know, basic stuff- and I've been noticing it more and more... it feels inappropriate to ask, or selfish, just generally out of line, like who am I that I should ask for a hug? Bro, what if they don't wanna give me a hug? What if I go to hug them and I make them uncomfortable? Basically what if I'm not wanted by people I care about? I'm sure that's not true, but that comes back to the trust thing- do I trust them when they say they care? Do I believe them? Do I trust that there's grace enough from them for me to be awkward without them running away? Do I believe them when they say they want to know me?
Lots of heavy. Valid heavy, but heavy nonetheless. I've told y'all, this is basically a journal for when I would rather type than physically write, so I have no plans to apologize for what I say and feel here, or for how it may make someone else feel.
Either way, regardless of what the feelings say, God is great all the time, and all the time God is great. Jesus and therapy for the heckin' win.
Party on party people, we'll talk later.
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